Michigan Football Is Ruining Me

Dear Michigan Football,

I don't get it.

Really, I don't.

I have been a fan all my life, watched countless games on television, been to the Stadium a bunch of times, and even went to Madison to watch you play. But this season, when I want to watch you in your first season with Jim Harbaugh, you always suck.

And then when I don't watch, you guys rock.


It all started with game one against Utah. It was on a Thursday night, but I was at church and the pastor has cable in his office. So before I had to be at the church service, I was watching the game.

And you sucked. This Jake Rudock kid was playing quarterback and I realized how few of the names I recognized and Utah just dominated down the field and you guys did nothing.

Then I turned it off.

I watched and enjoyed the Oregon State game, but the next four games either weren't available or I had other plans. And, of course, that's when you dominated. That's when you went on your 3-game shutout streak. And I couldn't watch any of it.

Then came the Michigan State game. It had started before I had gotten home from a baby shower, and you was doing well. I turned it on, and Michigan State immediately scored.

I turned it off. I decided to listen to the game instead.

It was very pressure-filled, but with time running out you stopped MSU on fourth down. I was relieved, so I decided to watch the last few minutes of celebration.

Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

Because I ended up watching the offense go nowhere, and the punter flub the snap and hand it right over to MSU in the end zone.

I watched it.

Let's not forget, of course, two weeks later, when I spent more time on my computer than actually watching my Kindle Fire, where I had the game going. I checked over there at the end, and you were stopping Minnesota in the final play of the game.

You let me see that one. That was nice.

Indiana's game was not so nice. You scored on the first series you had...before I could start watching it. The first half was pretty nice to watch, except for Indiana's running game just demolishing the defense. Holes, second efforts, and bad tackling led to a slaughter of that line in the second half. Indiana came back. Indiana took the lead. You missed a field goal. Indiana scored a touchdown with under 3 minutes to go to take the lead 34-27, and I'd had it. I'd written an entire TouringPlans.com article in the amount of time you spent blowing this game with penalties and bad tackling. I didn't want to watch you over dinner.

So I turned the game off.

After dinner, I turned it on, just to see if the game was done. Honestly? It was to see if my little theory had worked: Michigan wins when I don't watch, and loses when I do. In the most ridiculous ways, mind you.

But there were still 11 seconds left, the announcers were proclaiming an Indiana victory, and I saw the score still was 34-27. I was disgusted at you. So I turned you off again, and didn't give it a second thought.

Two hours later...

I had just had a nice time watching some videos, and decided to check Twitter.


And I think to myself, Whaaaaa?!

They won?!

But there was only 11 seconds left - how?!

Then I check back and see that Rudock hit Jehu Chesson with TWO SECONDS LEFT to tie the game, and send the game into overtime (...and then to another overtime). In the end, you stopped an Indiana pass (why would they pass when they've been running all over you?!) in the final down to clinch the game.


I am never going to watch you win, am I?

Me, one of your loyal fans. It's like you are embarrassed when I watch or something and automatically start to suck when you know I'm there.

So do I watch the next two games? I could - the Penn State game will be on an ESPN channel, and most likely, the Ohio State game will be, too.

But now I wonder...


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